Saturday, September 4, 2010

Have I mentioned lately that I'm depressed?

        Some days are better than others.  This is the way of things for all people, really.  And within those days some hours are better than others as well.  Part of the day may be fine, and then somehow, somewhere it starts to break down, and everything just becomes a reminder of what you are not, what you don't have, what you can't have, and how crappy life is right now.
        I have a college degree.  That's good.  I have massive debt accummulated aquiring that degree.  That's bad.  When I went back to college 3 years ago, I chose art education because I love art and love sharing it with others and being an art teacher would be a secure job that let me do something I enjoy.  At that time, art teachers had even made it onto the critical needs list for schools.
        Enter the Great Recession.  Schools have no money.  Teaching is no longer a secure job, as many teachers have been laid off.  A new art teacher with no experience doesn't have much chance of landing a job in this economy, at least not a full time job teaching art. 
       My wonderful plan where I quit my full time job that I didn't like, but it at least paid the bills, to go off and pursue something I really wanted backfired.  Now I have no job, lots of debt, and I really don't know how the bill paying is going to work out when my husband and I run through our savings, or what we're going to do when we start having to pay on those student loans every month.
      I keep hoping something will turn up.  We'll be okay.  I can work odd jobs and try to sell some art, somewhere that the spouse has applied to will actually realize that he has a great mind for science AND has the ability to explain it to those of us that don't, and we'll make it through somehow.  But some days it just makes me really sad.  I grew up thinking that if  you had a degree, you could get a good job.  It didn't even matter what your degree was in, if you had completed a course of study in college and had that magic sheet of paper, you could get a good job.  I have my magic sheet of paper, I worked really hard for it.  I graduated summa cum laude.  My magic sheet of paper isn't working.  It cost a lot of time, effort and money, and it doesn't work.  I want a refund.  I want a do over.  I want a magic sheet of paper that works, maybe mine is just a dud.

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