So it's been awhile... life is still crazy and makes no sense. Or maybe, it's not that it makes no sense, it just doesn't make the kind of good organized sense that appeals to me. Life has some kind of weird backward logic of it's own that I am incapable of following.
I have begun to realize I have an unhealthy relationship with time. Thankfully, it's not the terrible curse of bad timing that my dear Reverend Doctor Jones is afflicted with, but I'm gonna complain about it anyway. You see, I think time hates me. For months now, I have been really busy. I have felt like I had no time. No time to myself, no time to do things I wanted to do, just a big whopping, "I'm too busy, I have no time."
The reason for this lack of time was that I could find no single source of employment and had to create my own. As a skilled, capable overachiever this was okay. I didn't make very much money (or even enough to pay my bills), but I was building a business. I filled my days with applying for jobs, making jewelry and pottery, experimenting and learning to make paper mache masks, researching steampunk things for ideas for paintings and whatnots, and shopping for low cost art supplies.
I had some money making work during this time, I did a makeup job that may lead to some work for a movie, I had a sale, my pottery classes were about to start up again, things weren't quite as bleak as they had been in my mind, but they still weren't good in the "how am I going to maintain my pesky food habit?" kind of way.
And then, lo and behold, I landed an art job. A production art job. Getting paid to make art - everything I have always wanted in a job. I was super happy about it. Still am, really. But this brings me back to the relationship with time thing.
I'm in training 5 days a week for my super cool new job. I'm teaching pottery classes on Saturdays. When my training is over, I'll be able to work from home and set my own schedule again. Everything is great. Except for time. I don't have enough time.
I have a couple of really great art opportunities on my plate that I worked really hard to get (all that "I'm too busy creating my own job, so I have no time" stuff I've been doing). Some of these opportunities have deadlines, others are just an ASAP thing. I need to submit work for a show by April 1st, I need to prep for a movie makeup opportunity, I need to prep for a photoshoot makeup thing next week, I have mostly finished paper mache masks that are watching me with their hollow eyes saying "please finish me". I haven't updated my websites in months, despite the fact that I wrote it in my calendar to do so.
However, my current work schedule, including my commute (which I think if it's over 30 minutes should be calculated into your work week, after all, it's time spent that you aren't doing something else because you're stuck in traffic). I'm putting in 68+ hours per week just in training for my new job and teaching pottery classes. Today is my only day off for the next 14 days. I desperately need to respond to emails and facebook messages to maintain my contacts in the art scene. If I don't get more time soon, I may lose the things I spent all that time working to get! However, I'll still have the art job that I wanted so badly, I'll just inadvertently sacrifice these new awesome opportunities.
So my relationship with time goes like:
Me: I'm so busy trying to establish myself as an artist who can make money, I wish I could just get an art job, then I'd have more time.
Time: Oh, I'll show you, stupid woman.
Me: I got an art job, and I'm establishing myself as an artist who can make money! Oh, holy crap, how am I gonna keep up with both? I don't have more time, I had more time before! What happened?
Time: You're stupid.
Me: How do I get more time?!? Can I quit the useless sleep thing?
Time: Only if you're trying for an epic fail.
Me: Curse you, time! Where do you go when I need you most?!
Time: Away-- because I don't like you.